


to be scalded by his flames

by Kaix_Maxi



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Friends With Benefits, M/M, azami makes a cameo, fire metaphors, mutual pining IF YOU SQUINT, seemingly unrequited love if you look closely enough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:22:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27218596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaix_Maxi/pseuds/Kaix_Maxi
Summary: Love is a debuff, and it’s one that Itaru doesn’t want, but he’s learnt that nothing goes his way when he realises that he’s already been afflicted with such feelings towards his senior work colleague, Utsuki Chikage. At first, their relationship was simple - they were nothing more than friends, but nothing less than acquaintances either, and it was supposed to stay that way, so when did it evolve into something more?(Rated M because mature content, strong language and also sexual themes)
Relationships: Chigasaki Itaru/Utsuki Chikage
Comments: 1
Kudos: 38





	to be scalded by his flames

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ChetRoi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChetRoi/gifts).



> ATHENA!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! athy, i love you so much (but in the most platonic way possible) so i tried using a few of your favourites: fwb to lovers and seemingly unrequited love bc they're idiots like that. it took me a while bc i wanted to try making this fic very Athena-esque, so i changed my writing and i wanted it to be a fic dedicated to you that you'd be able to identify every single reference i used (there's a shit ton but if you can spot them all, kudos,,, the list is on the end notes though). it's literally like an easter egg, but full of athy ideas and thrown into here  
> tbh i'm still not used to the ckit dynamic and the AUs you like,,, esp fwb, but i hope you enjoy it regardless,,,!!  
> also,,, if you see a typo, no you don't.

Love was a permanent debuff - a poison with no antidote. And without even realising, Chigasaki Itaru had been afflicted with such feelings. As regrettable as it was to admit, he was in love with Utsuki Chikage.

At first, there was nothing between them. They were mere coworkers who only passed each other in greeting. They didn’t mean anything to each other; they perceived each other as the senpai who always travelled abroad for his business trips and the junior who always did desk work and maintained relationships with many of their clients. Nothing more than friends, but nothing less than acquaintances either. Their relationship wasn’t much, and it should’ve stayed that way, but at one point, it gradually bloomed into something more.

When was their starting point? Itaru couldn’t quite pinpoint a certain time, but it was probably the one afternoon where Chikage sat across him during one of their lunch breaks. He could vividly recall how mildly irked he was, considering he’d planned to rank up during that time, but was made to accompany Chikage to a curry place. Chikage didn’t bother wasting any time and was rather direct. ‘You’re in a theatre troupe, aren’t you? Could you get me a ticket for one of your shows?’. At the time, Itaru was wholeheartedly onboard. ‘It’s not going to be free, you know.’ was what he’d said back. Another customer was always welcome when it came to MANKAI, especially since Sakyo was always on their asses about how much the bills were worth. With a light laugh and a dark smile, Chikage had nodded.

Perhaps that was when everything truly began.

* * *

When Itaru said their relationship evolved, he wished he’d just meant them becoming roommates, dorm mates and troupe mates. It felt so strange, seeing his senpai at work live so closely to him. He wasn’t willing to maintain a professional face at home as well, so he exposed his uncouth lifestyle to Chikage. Itaru swore he’d seen a little crack in that perfect facade of his when Chikage blinked in surprise at the mess that lay before him, although it disappeared as soon as it came.

“Welcome to my castle, senpai.”

Chikage smiled wryly as he nodded his head slightly in greeting, his words dripping with sarcasm. “It’s an honour to be here.”

Chikage resided in the dorms for a while, as a part of the Spring Troupe, but he’d always come and go, as if permanence wasn’t something he’d known. It was obvious that he had a lot of secrets, but he wasn’t interested in sharing any of them, only continuing to hide behind a mask of nonchalance. With his mysteriousness, discord gradually bled into the Spring Troupe, threatening to sever the familial bond that had connected the original five. However, Itaru noticed that somewhere along the way, Chikage gradually began to change. The mask that he wore when he first arrived at the dorms was no longer there, and his smiles did seem a little more genuine, but regardless, the mysterious undertone would always remain. What changed him? It definitely started to happen when Chikage returned to the dorm with Izumi and Hisoka, close to their opening performance for The Wizard of Oz.

Honestly, Itaru had to admit that he was a little jealous that it wasn’t him, especially since he was the person closest to Chikage, whether it was at work, the dorm or anywhere else… but then again, he knew that he wasn’t the most dependable adult around. With his sloth-like habits and his hardcore gaming, there were occasionally times where he felt as though he was only an adult on the surface. The only time someone truly depended on him as of late was when Chikage had gone to him for the stage tickets, but now he was no longer needed.

* * *

Everything at work went by as per usual, the only thing that changed was the increased interaction between Itaru and Chikage. Itaru honestly thought it’d be the opposite, considering they’d be with each other almost all day and every day. He thought they’d have enough of each other, but it remained peaceful like this. It was fine like this. Itaru was happy with the way things currently were, but he wanted something more - something…  _ better _ .

Although, the question was, what did he want? Did he want to be a cheat character? Did he want a relationship with someone? Scratch that possibility, it was unlikely - maybe, even close to impossible. The only people he’d even consider dating were the people that knew he was absolute trash when he was in his personal space. In other words, everyone in the dorm and the Director. Sakyo and Masumi would definitely fuck him up if it was the latter. No matter how hard Sakyo tried to hide it, everyone knew he was pining pretty hard for Izumi.

As he contemplated on what he might’ve wanted out of life, he heard someone call out to him. With an internal groan, he turned to face the direction and saw one of his co-workers with a bundle of paperwork. He was sincerely hoping that wasn’t intended for him.

“Chigasaki-san, do you think you can meet this client today? It’s in about thirty minutes, and they’d like to address something about one of the previous invoices they’ve received.”

“Sure. I don’t mind,” he replied. “It’s pretty soon, so I’ll start heading off now.”

As he made his preparations to leave, he paused temporarily as Chikage tapped his back lightly when he passed by. “After you finish, do you want to go for a drink at the usual place?”

Itaru thought for a moment until he grinned. “Alright. I’ll see you later.”

* * *

When Itaru finished work, he found Chikage waiting outside for him. He was about to be touched, until Chikage said that it was on the way so he decided to wait for a while.

“You’re so unromantic, senpai,” Itaru sighed in disappointment as he maintained a step behind Chikage. “Did you have to brush me off like that?”

He laughed softly, almost as if he were amused. “Unromantic?” he parroted. “Did you want me to seduce you?”

Itaru let the gears in his brain turn for a moment until he smiled wryly. “Preferably not, but having a cheat character like you in my party would make us pretty OP. What do you say to another playthrough of KniRoun?”

“You can finish it just fine without me.”

“Yeah, but I want you.”

Chikage stopped momentarily and Itaru hummed curiously, trying to take a peek at Chikage’s facial expression until he continued walking again. Honestly, what the hell was that just now? For the rest of the time, they walked in silence until they arrived at the bar. It was a relatively peaceful one, the place that Azuma always took everyone to. After buying a bottle and getting two glasses, they took a seat in the most inconspicuous corner and conversed about the dorm, the recent plays, the upcoming Autumn Troupe performance and everyone else. And then it came to work. Classic, unromantic senpai. Speaking of work, there was something that hit him as odd when he went to visit the client he saw earlier today.

“Do you remember that one client? The one called Midori or something,” Itaru said.

“I do. What happened?”

“I found out she was having an affair.”

“Is that so?”

“Well, rather an affair, it was… more like…” Itaru paused, the phrase just on the tip of his tongue. “What was it again? Friends…?”

“Friends with benefits?”

“That’s it,” Itaru recalled. “We were once like that too.”

When Itaru thought back on everything, that was the careless mistake that triggered everything - the unnecessary feelings, the pain, the heartbreak, everything.

“...What do you mean?”

“I mean, not in that way, but remember the time you weren’t part of the troupe?” Itaru recalled. “I got the tickets for you, you come and see us on stage. Isn’t that just like being friends with benefits, just without the R18 bits?”

“...Your view is pretty unique, Chigasaki.”

“Yeah, it’s what makes me so popular with the clients.”

Honestly, what the fuck was he saying? Itaru already felt pretty drunk and it was only his fourth glass. Was he unexpectedly a lightweight? He was certain he could usually handle a lot more than this, but his vision was blurring and his head was throbbing. Amidst all of that, he heard Chikage’s voice again.

“What do you say to becoming real friends with benefits?”

Itaru’s biggest fuck-up of the decade was thinking he was a lot less drunk than he actually was, and believed that he imagined up the two last words. In doing so, he replied calmly. “Sure, why not?”

With that response. He raised his glass and clinked it with Chikage’s glass soon after. “To being friends.”

Chikage nodded in agreement and after Itaru downed his glass, everything went hazy and he didn’t quite recall how they returned back home.

* * *

When Itaru finally woke up, his head was throbbing again and there was a glass of water on his gaming table. He reached for it and his world spun. He hesitated and wondered if he should’ve taken it. If he wasn’t careful, he’d slip and it’d spill all over his gaming consoles. He’d die. Online and offline.

When he thought of that possibility, he withdrew his hand immediately and staggered over to the bathroom, stealing a glance at his blazer on the couch. When he finally reached the bathroom, he found that he was still in his undershirt from yesterday and that it was wrinkled  _ everywhere _ . His clothes were a mess and he was a mess. He threw it into the wash and was just about to head into the shower until he saw what was on his body. Was that a hickey? He drew closer to the mirror and tapped it curiously. It didn’t hurt, so it wasn’t some mini bruise. As he thought hard on it, it was only then did he get a flashback of yesterday.

_ “We’re like friends with benefits, just without the R18 bits.” _

_ “What do you say to becoming real friends with benefits?” _

_ “Sure, why not? ...To being friends.” _

Now that he properly remembered what happened yesterday, he was pretty close to losing his shit. Even with his hangover, he knew he fucked up. Badly. He didn’t mishear  _ shit _ . Chikage wasn’t inviting him to play a game together. He literally just asked him if they wanted to be fuck buddies and he said yes. What did that even say about him?

Honestly, he didn’t even want to know what they did yesterday. There was only one hickey on him but everything else, including how they got home, was a complete blur. The only way he’d find out was if he asked Chikage directly, and he really wasn’t interested in asking his coworker if they had a one-night stand.

He pursed his lips and decided to not give a shit for now and took his shower. When he left the bathroom, he met Chikage. Nothing really liked going his way, huh?

“Morning, senpai,” Itaru said nonchalantly. At least, that’s how he hoped it came out.

“I believe the correct word would be afternoon,” Chikage corrected.

“Oh, seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“Hey, uh, senpai.”

“Yes?”

“Thanks for taking care of me yesterday. Did I do anything?”

Chikage paused for a moment and furrowed his brows, until he smiled lightly and shook his head.  _ Thank fuck _ , Itaru thought.

At the time, trying to retract his agreement from yesterday hadn’t even crossed his mind so he returned back to his room and began to game.

A few hours later, Itaru decided he needed a break and went for the closest save point. When he finally saved his file, he laid himself on the floor. Maybe it was finally time to grab something proper to eat. Izumi called him out for his shit when she realised he was using Kamekichi to get cheap food. He hummed in thought, wondering what to get until it hit him. Pizza. Pizza supremacy. He’d order it after he took a shower so he could eat it on the side with one of his idle games. Before that, there was just one thing he wanted to know. He inched closer to Chikage, who stared at him with a bit of perplexed expression. In Chikage’s eyes, he probably looked like a zombie staggering over with low HP. Whatever.

“Senpai, I’m  _ just _ double-checking, but did you actually say friends with benefits yesterday?” Itaru said curiously.

“I did, except there’s one thing I forgot to mention,” Chikage commented as he drew closer to him. A thin smirk decorated his features as he traced Itaru’s lips. “The only condition is… no kissing here specifically.”

Itaru’s heart skipped a beat and he forced himself to calm down as he retorted. “You’re such an unromantic senpai.”

“It’s fine, isn’t it? We’re not going to be doing this out of love anyway.”

“You’re right.”

It wasn’t like Itaru had feelings for Chikage or anything, but his heart stung at how coldly the man brushed him off. If it wasn’t out of love, then what was it for? Lust? Desire? Just to gratify his sexual needs? For fun?

Those thoughts soon left him when Chikage pulled him closer and Itaru ended up joining him on the bed.“Why don’t you focus on me for now, and leave whatever you’re thinking about for later?”

“...Sure.”

With each touch, Itaru’s skin was burned. With each kiss on his body, his heart skipped and he was left to wonder if those lips would ever meet his. With each thrust, he only craved for more. He didn’t take himself to be an incarnate of desire, but Chikage was usually a distant man. Right now, this was the only excuse Itaru could use to pull him closer and thread his fingers through his hair. Even if there wasn’t any kissing, he’d still be able to leave a trace of him on Chikage’s body, his nails digging deeper into his back as they went on.

* * *

Itaru was a fool when he thought it’d only be just that time. There were many more times after that: the hotel they used during an overnight work trip, the couch at work when they had overtime, the time when Chikage came back in the middle of the night from what he called ‘work’ and many more times after that. It almost felt like the only normalcy in his days that he could look forward to. Chikage was pretty good in bed and he was honestly glad that he had a satisfying partner, or friend, to be more exact.

He couldn’t believe he was thinking about this shit on his afternoon break. Was he already that horny? Well, whatever. It’s the side effect of having a good experience.

“Chiga?”

He paused. There was only one man that would call him that name, and it was one he didn’t like. When Itaru turned on his heel, it took about all of him to not click his tongue and walk away. Fucking Tonooka. What did he want?

“What do you want?”

“No need to be so cold. Do you want to go for a coffee?”

“I already had one.”

“How about lunch?”

“Already had it.”

“How about dinner?”

“I’m eating with the rest of the troupe tonight. You know, precious bonding time for friends. Something we don’t need to have. Now, if you’ll excuse me—”

As Itaru turned on his heel to leave, he felt Tonooka take his hand. “Wait, Chiga.”

Itaru snatched back his hand the moment the opportunity revealed itself and he felt immense satisfaction when he saw the look of hurt and disappointment on his face. That must’ve been how pathetic he looked when Tonooka betrayed him. “What do you want from me, Tonooka?”

“Can we talk over dinner?”

Itaru clicked his tongue and nodded reluctantly. If it’d get Tonooka off his ass, then he agreed. Thinking about it nicely, he could say yes and do a no-show. That was perfect. “Sure. I’ll meet you for dinner then.”

With that, they left each other quite easily. Itaru was pretty sure his plan didn’t have any holes in it, until he saw Tonooka outside the building when he finished work. It was already the evening, so there was no way he could pull out now. What was supposed to be a no-show turned into a yes-show. He begrudgingly went to Tonooka with a scowl and the man laughed in amusement.

“Judging from your face expression, your attempt at a no-show was unsuccessful.”

“Yeah, all thanks to you,” Itaru grunted as he smacked the man on the back with his briefcase. “Let’s hurry up and get this over and done with.”

* * *

Considering the fact that Itaru kept threatening Tonooka that he’d leave if he didn’t make this quick, things went on 2x speed and it was pretty amazing. He still didn’t know what Tonooka wanted from him though and it was mildly irritating. He wanted to get back home already.

They were taking some awkward walk in the park right now and Itaru couldn’t care less about his surroundings. The only thing that interested him was the rock he’d been kicking around for the past few minutes. It was so oddly shaped that it was sort of hilarious. He snapped out of LaLa Land pretty soon when Tonooka called out to him.

“Hey Chiga, I love you. Let’s get back together.”

With that, Tonooka pulled him into an embrace and he froze. Itaru.exe has stopped responding. The warmth he felt was unfamiliar and the smell of cologne wasn’t the same one that he loved. Tonooka pulled away and inched closer to Itaru. Close enough to kiss, close enough to feel their breaths mingling and… yeah, no.

When he finally regained his senses, he turned his head to the side immediately. “Wait, wait, wait, we’re going 3x speed right now, turn it back down to 1x,” Itaru said as he shoved Tonooka away. He took a few steps back and gestured at the gap between them. “We’re staying like this. If you take a step closer, I’ll run.”

Well, not that he could run far anyway. As he gazed at Tonooka from this distance, it irked him that he shared so much of his past with the asshole. Tonooka took most of his firsts: his first love, first kiss, first heartbreak but also first boyfriend if you could call it that, but there was no way in hell they were getting back together. Not when they were ever together in the first place. They went through all the motions of being a couple, hand holding, kissing, dates, but they were never given the ‘boyfriends’ label due to various reasons he didn’t want to recall. That piece of shit duped him and never acknowledged their relationship, saying it was for his future girlfriend or whatever. Fucker.

“I’m not interested in dating you,” Itaru said flatly. “I don’t like you. At all.”

“Do you have someone else in mind?” Tonooka inquired. “If not, then give me a chance—”

“You sound desperate and that’s a pretty good look on you,” Itaru snapped.

Tonooka frowned, the crease between his brows becoming a bit more obvious. “Not as desperate as you sounded when I found your KniRoun VII keychain.”

“Yeah, well, look, I was young and stupid back then, tried to fit in like a normie, failed because of you,” Itaru sighed. “Why are you trying to get back together with me in the first place? Aren’t you confusing repentance with love? Are you just trying to make yourself feel better by trying to make me say ‘I forgive you so we can go our own ways now’?” Itaru scoffed derisively as he shrugged carelessly. “You always did care about yourself more - that’s why you outed me like that. It made you the centre of attention, just like you wanted. Aren’t you happy, Tonooka? You sacrificed my happiness for your own and yet you have the audacity now to say you love me.”

Holy shit. He really was salty about that crap all those years ago. It felt pretty good taking all of that out on him. He deserved it anyway. Suck on that, Tonooka. Meanwhile, Tonooka himself remained silent and scratched the back of his head frustratedly, until he heaved a deep sigh.

“It’s the guy that played Gawain, isn’t it?”

“...Huh?”

“It’s fine. I get it. I was just rejected, but at least tell me this: the guy you like now is him, right?”

Itaru remained silent. Was what he felt towards Chikage love? Love was so ambiguous and it came in so many forms. If it was love, then he was in a pretty dangerous position considering their current relationship. When he thought of their relationship turning sideways, it made his heart sink. When he thought of Chikage, he always did see the man affectionately. Don’t tell me this actually was love. Shit. Was he entering a New Game+ in ‘Love’?

He really didn’t want this, but he’d fallen too deep. Now that it was hitting him, there was probably always that inkling within him. The slight jealousy he felt when Chikage changed because of someone else, the sadness he felt when Chikage no longer approached him for stage tickets, the way he was so elated when they started talking more often - wasn’t all of it a painfully obvious sign that he was in love? Well, shit. He couldn’t believe Tonooka, of all people, made him realise this.

“Y-Yeah… I like him.”

“...Got it. Well, whatever. See ya.”

“I don’t want to see you again unless it’s for work, so good-fucking-bye.”

With that, he headed straight back, not bothering to take a second look back, even if he felt Tonooka’s gaze lingering on him.

* * *

When Itaru finally got back home, he felt tired but Omi’s cooking was the best and he was instantly rejuvenated. He felt like a game character that was low on stamina and only needed to eat something to recover it. Better yet, tonight’s dinner was home-made pizza so that was the best thing he could ever ask for today. Omi was pretty happy he had such a big appetite so late at night and headed off later so Itaru could enjoy his meal in peace. After that, he headed straight back to his room.

When he entered, he found Chikage at his desk, working away at his laptop. Maybe it was the rose-coloured lenses, but damn. Even that was pretty hot.

“Welcome back. You’re usually home earlier than this,” Chikage commented. “Did something happen with one of your clients?”

“Actually, I had dinner with Tonooka,” Itaru grunted as he tossed his blazer onto the couch. “We found each other after work, and…”

Itaru sighed, recalling how frustratingly annoying that man was. If he had cheat skills like Chikage, he probably would’ve dashed out of the situation when he saw him before Tonooka even had a chance to chase after him. Since he didn’t, he had to go out with him for a while and use the only weapon he had: words. He thought they were pretty effective but Tonooka didn’t seem too fazed by it. GG Itaru. Maybe it’s time to level up a bit more first? Training was a pain in the ass though. Was the grinding really worth it?

When he loosened his belt and threw his pants to the floor with whatever strength he had, he heard Chikage. “Why don’t you stay like that?”

Itaru paused until he realised what Chikage was implying. He was already bottomless and shirtless. “I just got back home and I’m sweaty. And gross.”

“You’re practically like that everyday,” Chikage remarked as he inched closer to Itaru. “I’ve seen you skip a shower or two before, and we’ve still done it. It wouldn’t make any difference if we did it now.”

“Shit, really? Now that’s embarrassing.”

Chikage laughed slightly as he caressed Itaru’s face. “You’re always slow when it comes to these things, Chigasaki.”

Itaru was honestly tempted to ask what the hell he meant by that, but the longing in his eyes made him stop. What did  _ that _ mean? Was he just imagining things or—

Those thoughts came to an end when Chikage placed a finger on Itaru’s lips, almost as if to silence him.

Tonight, Chikage was cruel. He always sent him to the very edge, to the brink of satisfaction and then Chikage toned it down, almost like a harsh, cruel reminder that he was the only one that could make Itaru feel this way. He was only given sweet release after Chikage practically made him beg for it. When he finally had what he wanted, each gesture Chikage went through felt much more gratifying.

Each kiss was a little harder than the ones all before. Each bite hurt a bit more than the last. Each thrust was just a little more aggressive each time. Each moan was louder than the one before, and he couldn’t forget the satisfied smile Chikage had with each gasp that escaped from his lips.

It was almost like he was jealous, but of what? Or who? And what reason did he have to be jealous?

* * *

When the morning came, Itaru heard news of Azami doing a random ass skin check for everyone today. Not good. Could he fake being sick? He couldn’t really hide these hickeys with make-up, and Azami would notice straight away anyway. Azami didn’t condone premarital kissing, so if he found out what Itaru and Chikage were doing, they were dead meat.

When he panicked and asked Chikage about it, the latter seemed pretty calm. “Don’t worry. He’s just looking at your face.”

With that, Itaru calmed down immediately, but that relief didn’t last long when he actually met Azami.

“Strip.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Itaru said.

“I said, strip.”

“Your skin is beyond bad… I was checking everyone else’s faces, but your hair is oily, your skin is dry and it’s CRACKING!! Do you think this is a joke?! Do you think skincare is a joke?!?! Well, let me tell you that—”

Azami proceeded to go on a whole tangent about how maintaining your skin was important, especially when you were an actor. When he finally finished, Azami grabbed Itaru’s collar. “Now strip, before I do it for you.”

Itaru reluctantly took off his shirt and sighed. “What prompted this entire check-up anyway?”

“The Director’s skin  _ and _ Autumn Troupe’s skin, except for that shitty four-eyed geezer, was terrible when we were doing our dress rehearsal the other day, so I had to double check everyone else. Your faces are my canvases, that’s why, I want you to take care of them properly.”

Either Azami ignored the hickeys or he didn’t really notice them, but it was hard to say considering how intently Azami was studying him. Maybe they were light enough that it wasn’t really noticeable? Azami withdrew soon enough and tossed Itaru his shirt, along with a bottle of moisturiser.

“Your skin is terrible. I feel bad for Yuki-san who has to look at it when he measures you,” Azami commented. “Moisturise like your life depends on it… or else.”

“Alright, thanks Azami.”

“And… your skin is drying up, like you’ve been burnt.”

Itaru flinched at that comment. “It’s fine. I’ll be careful.”

“You better be.”

As he left the lounge room and returned to his room, Itaru gazed at his skin and even he could see how dry it was now that it had been pointed out to him. Was he burnt by Chikage’s flames? With each touch, his skin was set alight and his body was on fire when the heat of their bodies mingled with each other. He was like… a phoenix, and Itaru, his victim. It was a strange metaphor yet it made sense. No matter how much it hurt, he wanted to be scalded by his flames. In doing so, he was left with burn scars that would never fade.

Even if he was to be submerged, they would never disappear - a constant reminder of the time when he was beside the phoenix. He wanted to be the only one that could tame the phoenix - to be the only one that could endure those flames. Even if it was hot, even if it was painful, he wanted to keep on trying.

He laughed at himself. Azami was referring to the sun but what Itaru knew was different. He inhaled sharply and smiled awkwardly at his own reflection. Why did he always try to connect everything to Chikage? Why did the man occupy his mind so often? It was love. Love. A poison with no antidote. A debuff that had no cure. A terminal disease. He wished that it wasn’t like this. His story with Chikage wasn’t meant to be one of love, but rather, just that of friends. He buried his head in his hands and thought of their current relationship: friends with benefits. How did he fuck up so bad?

Now that he thought of it, why did Chikage make such a ridiculous proposal in the first place? He didn’t seem very physically affectionate and he certainly wasn’t the type that would play around - he had deduced at least this much from Chikage’s usual behaviour. Furthermore, it was obvious that he was also a man with many secrets, so what would prompt him to reveal himself bare in front of somebody else without even a single defence?

Chikage had always explicitly stated that they weren’t doing this out of love, but rather took it as some sort of pastime. Was it just to sully his innocence? Or was there something more to it? Regardless, Itaru felt as though he’d never figure out the reason. It was like trying to complete a puzzle, but all the pieces were a crisp white. It wasn’t impossible, but it was going to be extremely hard and mentally taxing. The only way he’d be able to figure out  _ something _ was by asking the man directly, and he’d rather not resort to such a method. There was no other way to find the answer though. It was like waiting under an apple tree and expecting a pear to fall.

He tore his gaze away from the mirror and turned his attention to Chikage who’d been sitting on his bed with a book in hand.

“Hey, senpai,” Itaru began. His voice was shaky. Come on, Itaru. Don’t be such a noob. He’s done more embarrassing things with this man but he’s getting riled up over asking a simple question. “Do you remember when you first asked me if we wanted to be friends with benefits?”

“I do.”

“Why did you ask me? And not somebody else?”

Please. He didn’t know what he was expecting or what sort of answer he was waiting for, but please.  _ Please tell me I’m at least special to you - that you wouldn’t have considered anyone else _ .

Chikage hummed in thought and tapped his fingers curiously on the book’s hard cover. “There was no particular reason, aside from convenience. We’re roommates and co-workers.”

In other words, they could do it as often as they wanted. At home. In the privacy of their own room. During overtime. Work trips. There was nothing special. He wasn’t chosen for anything,  _ aside from convenience _ .

This love story was over before it ever began. No, perhaps there was no beginning in the first place. Maybe they were destined to never be together.

Unable to be bound by something as simple as destiny, he’d forge his own beginning.

“Chikage-san, I love you.”

And when his lips finally met Chikage’s, it felt like the prologue was finally coming to an end.

**Author's Note:**

> if you squint and look closely enough at all the references, this fic is literally just fanfic of rebirth :-) now, for the list of references i used from athy:  
> \- 'evolved' is used p often bc itaru goes through a lot of evolutions and levelling up in his part of rebirth  
> \- "It was fine like this." and the few sentences after is honestly just 3 references in one go bc right after act 7 [talks] in rebirth, act 8 is [fine], act 9 is [better] and act 10 is [cheat character] so i did my best to use all three phrases close together,,, did they ring a bell? :-)  
> \- i got unromantic senpai and uncute junior from athy so if you see it a lot, it's not me i swear (jkjk)  
> \- the condition of no kissing was from you saying that kissing is very intimate and prolly wouldnt be done if they were just fwb,,, so there is no kissing. only body kissing :0  
> \- the whole tonooka/itaru episode is one big rebirth reference tbh bc them going through the motions of being a couple but never acknowledging it is all in Act 2: Firsts, which is why, the word, firsts is there  
> \- "Suck on that, Tonooka." is a direct quote from rebirth  
> \- new game+ is the second most obvious reference i've made here, it's from phoenix  
> \- the whole banter of itaru and chikage going "oh man you're back late, where were you" "fucking tonooka" is also in rebirth :-)  
> \- itaru being burned by a phoenix is by far the most obvious reference i've made in this fic, i don't think anyone would miss that  
> \- act 11: submerged is and will always be my favourite act in athy's rebirth fic, i had to include it somehow
> 
> i was thinking of making this a double perspective story but then i thought of how many phoenix references i'd use in chikage's side and i just went "oh,,, omg,,, it's like,,, restarts. fanfiction,,,", i mean, can you really say it isn't though-
> 
> regardless, athy, i hope you enjoy this fic and happy birthday,,, ily!!


End file.
